50 Ways to Mess With Daryl Dixon
by Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan
Summary: Title says all! A drabble series on 50 amusing way to mess with our favorite crossbow-wielding redneck. HIATUS
1. 1' Hide His Crossbow

What's the most **_obvious_** thing to do when it comes to messing with the crossbow-wielding redneck?

Why don't we take out _crossbow-wielding_ and just keep the _redneck_?

That's right.

Hide his damn crossbow.

* * *

"Beth, what're you doin' in my tent?" Questioned the suspicious Daryl Dixon as he was recently coming back from a discussion with Rick.

The blonde bit her bottom lip, before shaking her head. "N-Nothing, Daryl." She walked away from the confused Dixon brother, a smug smile gracing her face "_Nothing at all_."

.

.

.

"Hey, have any of y'all seen my crossbow?" Questions Daryl, frowning when no one seemed to answer.

"Walker hoarde!" Glenn yelled, picking up a shot gun and shooting the nearest two.

Daryl ran to his tent but was shocked. Where is was his crossbow? He flipped over the blankets, tore open the other side of the tent for that matter.

"Shit!" He screamed, hearing a walker near him. "Who the hell?!"

He punched the walker, stomping in his face before another came at him. "WHERE THE HELL IS MA' CROSSBOW?!"

_Meanwhile_

Beth and Carl both shook their heads as they hid from the hoard attacking their set up camp.

"WHERE IS MA' CROSSBOW?!" They heard.

They gave each other a high-five.

* * *

**Funny or nah?**

**Updated daily!**

**P.S: Walking Dead is not mine and Daryl Dixon isn't either. *cries myself to sleep***


	2. 2' Twigs For Arrows

Way number two is a follow up to way number one...

If you hide his crossbow... _might as well_ replace the arrows...

* * *

"Alright now... steady..." He whispered to himself, kneeling to the grassy grounds.

He licked his lips at the sight of the juicy, big deer that stopped it's prance and settled itself in a clearing.

He quickly unsheathed his crossbow and reached in the pouch on his back for an arrow.

He pulled the suspecting piercer from the pouch but narrowed his eyes at the sight of a twig. "What the hell?" He whispered, tossing the twig and reaching into the pouch again.

When he felt no arrow, he narrowed his eyes. "What the hell, man?!" He yelled, startling the deer.

Seeing that it got away, he snatched the pouch off of his back, punching the dirt grounds at the sight of damn _twigs_ instead of arrows.

"No!" He yelled so loud that it carried on back to the camp the survivors had set up.

.

.

.

Carl and Beth dropped to the floor with laughter at hearing the Dixon brother's yells when he realized that his arrows were gone.

"What's so funny?" Rick asked, walking over.

"We..." Beth giggled, unable to control her laughter.

"We?" Rick questioned, quirking an eyebrow.

"We replaced Daryl's arrows with twigs!" Carl blurted out, laughing at the way Rick shook his head.

Rick was silent before he too burst out laughing. "You..." Laugh. "You kids tell him what you did... Oh, hell!" He chuckled, falling to the ground himself. "That is some funny shit!"

* * *

**Funny or nah? **

**There will be two updates per day. Maybe all at once or maybe one in the morning and one in the afternoon or evening. Thanks for Reading!**

**Kumi-Chan/Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan**


	3. 3' Talk Bad About Merle

Way number three? Pretty obvious. Our favorite redneck believes that blood is thicker than water. So...

With that being said...

Talk bad about Merle

* * *

You walked into the woods to find Daryl Dixon crying over a dead Meryl Dixon's body.

You patted him on the back. "Aw..." You coo. "Meryl's dead, huh?

He sobbed, crying even harder but regardless nodded his head to your question.

You shrug your shoulders. "Well, he was a good man."

The youngest and only alive Dixon brother smiled a bit. "Yeah, he was wasn't he?"

"Well, who am I kidding?!" You laugh. "Meryl was an asshole. A complete pig. Funny at times, I'll give him that but he tried to kill Michonne, first-"

"Who cares about _the last samurai_? My brother is dead!"

"As I was saying!" You interrupted him, continuing on with your shit talk and list of ways Meryl deserved to be dead. "He was racist as hell, like come on this isn't the master and slave day shit. He called Andrea a whore..." _well, even I saw __**that one**__ coming..._ You think to yourself. "He was sloppy, never shared his food, stole, lied, cheated, he shot _Neil_, the Mexican boy who was in that squad with the Governor, he didn't even know Neil's real name!" - "He thought he was hot as fuck but he was bald, had one arm and looked like an old-redneck-pedophile-"

"What the hell is your point?!" Daryl Dixon spat, drying up his tears, obviously angry that you were talking smack about his **dead** brother.

"My point is he didn't know Glenn was Korean!" - "Damn!" You shout, walking away and shaking your head.

Daryl watched you walk away as more tears collected in his eyes. He bit his lip, waving you off. "... _WHATEVER_."

* * *

**Funny or nah?**

**Remember when Merle said whatever when Daryl told him Glenn was Korean? Btw, I love Merle He could rape me and I would possibly enjoy it. Nothing against him.**

**P.S: Walking Dead is NOT owned by me!**


	4. 4' Tease Him About Carol

What's a pet peeve of the crossbow-wielding redneck?

Who does he have a soft spot for?

Other than any survivor in the group... Carol seems to be a good match.

So way number four? _Tease him about Carol._

* * *

"Hey, Daryl?" Glenn called out to crossbow-wielding redneck.

Daryl, walking ahead of the group of survivors, turned back and acknowledged the Korean.

"Yeah?"

Glenn motioned to the couples amongst the group. Himself and Maggie. Sasha and Bob, and even Rick and Michonne eventually got together. Might as well consider Carl and Beth, too.

"Where is your girl, huh?"

Narrowing his blue eyes, Daryl gave him the finger, turning back around and walking even faster.

Glenn glanced at Carol, giving her a wink and then giving his girlfriend Maggie a kiss on the cheek. He jogged up to the seething redneck, nudging him with his elbow.

"So what about Carol? Eh?" He nudged him again. "It's been like five seasons and you _still_ haven't got with her. Ed's been dead a while, you know. You both are old, she cupped your ass before in season 2, and you saved her so many times. What about that Cherokee rose, too?-"

Daryl with a beet red face, aimed his crossbow at Glenn. "Who wants some Korean chicken tonight?"

* * *

**I have a friend that tells really corny jokes... and she said the Korean-Chicken thing about Glenn. It was pretty lame. So lame that it made me die with laughter. I imagine Carol saying "... I'll eat some if you would share some with me." And she strikes a model pose. Daryl's just like (-X-) kms**

**Corny enough to make you laugh or nah?**

**Beggars can't be choosers. It's either funny or it's not so... ㈌9 **


	5. 5' Ask Him What That Thing Is

**(Viewer Discretion is ad****vised.)**

Two words.

**Female genitalia.**

That is something Daryl Dixon does **NOT** do good with.

So, with that being said. _Way number five_.

Ask him what a clit is.

* * *

"... Hey, Daryl?" - "Can I ask you something?" Questioned Carl as he took off his sheriff's hat once give to him by his father, Rick.

Daryl, using a hunting knife to sharpen sticks into arrows, nodded his head. "Shoot."

Carl sat down on the log Daryl sat on.

"... So I heard Merle and T-Dog talking..."

The redneck raised an eyebrow. His brother Merle and T-Dog talking? They hated each other.

"And they said some things..." Carl uneasily retorted to his silence.

"What type of thangs'?" Daryl ask, pausing his sharpening.

Carl scratch the nape of his neck. "What is a clitoris?"

Daryl Dixon dropped his knife. He dropped the stick. He rubbed his eyes and attempted to clean his ears. "What?!"

Carl repeated his question. "What is a clit?" - "Merle and T-Dog were talking about it and when I asked them what it was they both laughed at me and told me to ask you."

"But they hate each other!"

Carl laughed. "I know!" He stopped. "But seriously... what is it?"

Daryl Dixon was silent. All of a sudden growls were heard and they both rose to their feet, as three walkers appeared out of nowhere.

Lucky for Carl, he wasn't such a kid anymore so he took down one without a struggle. Daryl on the other hand...

He had one pinned to the ground with his foot and was punching the other one. He stopped abruptly, shaking his head, ignoring as they all rushed for Carl.

"... I'm sorry... what did you ask me?"

The boy was too busy trying to fight off the walkers. "... What is a cl-" he stopped his sentence, sitting back on his log, oblivious to the fact that Carl was in an all out brawl with the walkers. That question still lingered on in his head...

What is a clit.

He couldn't comprehend.


	6. 6' Sing the song Push It!

Way number six: Sing the song Push It.

* * *

You and Daryl went on a run, raiding an abandoned home near the outskirts of the area where they prison was.

You walked in a large room, with Daryl trailing behind to give you cover.

It was clear.

Grabbing whatever you could, you stopped at a rare find.

A record player.

And what was the record?

_Salt and Pepper's hit: Push It._

You started to play it out loud but he abruptly turns it off. "Not that junk. Where's the _Sum21_ or _Rolling Stones_ and shit?" - "Leave it here. We don' needa' hear any of that."

He hate the song and now you knew what to do.

.

.

You watched as with a sly smirk as Daryl held the little bundle of joy he came to nickname _Lil Ass Kicker_. He smiled warmly at her, snuggling his nose with hers. "Hey there, _Lil Ass Kicker_!" You heard him coo.

You crept up behind the redneck, squatting behind him in a position to start shaking your butt. "**Ooh**, _baby! bae-bayyy_!" You sang the song, smirking at the way he glared, handing the baby to the snickering Carol before storming out of the cell block.

.

.

.

Daryl was standing at the gate of the jail with a sharp and iron crowbar grasped tightly in his hands. He was about to clear the path so Rick and the others could safely go on a run.

He was about to push the sharp metal into the face of a growling walker before you came out of nowhere **again**, using the _element of surprise_ and began chanting, "_Ooh_! _Ahh_! Push it!"

He gave you a back-glance before gritting his teeth and driving the metal in the walker's face, instantly killing it. "_Push it real good_!"

He narrowed his eyes walking away.

.

.

Everyone was asleep in their cell block.

Except for you of course.

He thought you left the record player and the record.

With a smirk, from underneath the cot he had set up, started to play the song.

_Ooh! Ahh! Push it! Push it real good!_

_Ooh baby! bae-bayyy! _

_Baby! bae-bayyy!_

"Damn it!" Daryl yelled. The redneck got off of his cot, storming out of the cell and out of the jail. Through the gates and back into the woods from wince he came.

But little did he know. You also found a pager in the same exact house and it so happened to have the ringtone of the song _Push It._ An alarm was set to ring every five minutes.

_Push it real good! _The tone played, even disturbing the redneck in his natural habitat.

* * *

**A little farfetched but my favorite so far.**

**If you don't like and think they are offensive, look at the genres. Humor and PARODY. No harm wanted and no offense taken. I love Daryl and his brother MERLE. Yes the name-spelling was a joke.**

**Geez, lighten up Guest-reviewers.**

**Stay tooned for the next!**


	7. 7' Pull the 'Total Redneck'

Daryl Dixon **hates** stereotypes.

So way **number 7...**

Pull the _'total redneck'_.

* * *

Everyone in the group of survivors gathered at the top of the cell block where Daryl was sleeping.

Carol started counting down with a motion of her fingers.

_1_.

_2_..

_3_...

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Everyone yelled, startling the young Dixon brother. He narrowed his bloodshot eyes and gritted his teeth, shaking his head.

"Y'all woke me up for this? It ain't even ma' birthday!"

No one was listening though.

"Time for presents!" Beth exclaimed, coming forth with a banjo she had. She handed it to the confused Daryl Dixon.

Hershel gave him a pair of overalls he had sewn together.

Carol gave him a freshly washed red, plaid shirt.

Carl gave him a straw hat.

Rick gave the baffled Daryl a pat on the back.

T-Dog came over carrying a piece of straw and forced Daryl's mouth open, placing it in there. "Chew on it."

Daryl furrowed his eyebrows, regardless following his instructions.

Lori waddled over giving Daryl a bowl of corn.

Glenn ran over... and stole his shoes...

Maggie came a threw dirt at his feet.

"Have a happy birthday with _stuff_ and _thangs'_!" Rick chimed, ushering everyone out of Daryl's cell block.

He took a moment to examine over all of his "birthday" gifts. He eyed the overalls, the plaid shirt, the banjo... the fact that Glenn stole his shoes and Maggie slapping dirt on his feet...

"HEY NOW." He angrily yelled. "I ain't _THAT_ much of a redneck!"

* * *

**A/N:**

**Total apologizes for the lack of daily updates.**

**Anyways, this one made me smile. I liked it.**

**What do you all think?**


	8. 8' Ask Him About His First Time

Daryl Dixon is shy by nature and very hidden when it comes to his sex life.

**Way number eight**: _Ask him about his first time._

* * *

Michonne planted a kiss on Rick's lips, while every other couple apart of the group of survivors which included Sasha and Bob, Glenn and Maggie, Rosita and Abraham and even Carol and Tyrese did the same.

All was left out except Daryl and Carl. Carl, only because Beth went to go wash up.

They all sat around the campfire set up before Rick looked to his lonely friend, finally removing his lips from his chocolate woman, Michonne.

Glenn did the same and sighed, shaking his head. "Daryl, we need to find you someone."

The redneck narrowed his eyes, before standing up to leave but Carol stopped him, "He is right you know."

"Man, I don't need nobody!" Daryl shouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Nobody but his hand." Tyrese teased, earning a playful punch from Carol and a laugh from the others.

Michonne leaned her head on Rick's shoulders. "Seriously, when was your first time, Daryl?"

The Dixon brother gulped, shrugging his shoulders. "It didn't happen."

"Why?" Carl asked, even proud to have _just_ kissed Beth before.

"Did the song _it feels like the the firstttt timeeee_ play?" Rick teased, laughing at the joke and the song reference.

Daryl gritted his teeth. "... No!"

"Did you not find the clitoris?" Bob joked, earning a laugh from all of the guys.

"No!" Daryl yelled again, reddened by their jokes.

"Then what happened?" Sasha asked, curious.

The redneck was silent before sighing and blurting out, "... I had a mullet."

Silence.

"What?" Rosita was the first to say.

"She didn't like the _business in the front_ and the _party in the back_!" - "There I said it! Now leave me alone! Me and my hand has some business to tend to."

* * *

**A/N: **

**Had to throw in that Richonne pairing. And I hope it happens for real, in the show.**

**I'm post two, so check back frequently today.**

**Anyways, lol. Daryl with a mullet.**

**Scary.**

**Thank For Reading.**


	9. 9' Tell Him To 'suck my a'

Daryl Dixon definitely does NOT follow the social trends. Especially stupid ones like 'suck my ass'.

**So way number nine:** _Tell him 'suck my ass'._

* * *

"Observant? Seems a little to big for your vocabulary, redneck." Andrea defiantly questioned to the redneck, scoffing at the use of his vocabulary.

"If you haven't noticed, these guys were taken out commando-style. A bullet straight to the head. Yer' worrying about walkers? I'd be worried at the son of a bitch who did this to them." Daryl Dixon snapped to the astonished blonde as he motioned to the many dead elderly people of the Vatos hideout.

He went on, tapping his forehead in a teasing manner to Andrea. "It's called using yer' head." - "You know? _Thinking_."

Daryl Dixon was about to walk away but Andrea crossed her arms over her chest, rolling her eyes before blurting out, "You know what? Suck my ass."

The redneck stopped. He remembered before the whole entire end-of-the-world thing happened and that little Asian girl went viral. Her saying _suck my ass_ had Merle telling him that every damn day and he was sick of hearing it.

He abruptly turned around, glaring his blue eyes at her. He snapped his head forward, squinting his eyes at the tan blonde as if he was trying to see right through her. "Suck your ass?"

He turned to everyone of the survivors, even Rick. He laughed. "Andrea wants me to suck her ass, y'all."

Lori covered Carl's ears as the redneck, obviously annoyed and pissed went on to the blonde, "Do you know what the hell you are asking me to do? Nasty girl!" He glared at her. "Pull you fucking pants down and I'll suck your ass right in front of all these people."

Dale tried to step forward but Daryl held up a hand. "That's so damn nasty. You want me to lick your ass? You shit out of there for _Pete's sake_. Get the hell on with saying _suck my ass_." He mimicked the Asian girl's voice, walking to the door leading into a office.

"Suck your ass? Pssh!"

* * *

**A/N:**

**This one was made to be a bit less funny and sort of... eh I can't think of the word. Perhaps my annoyance to the term **"suck my ass"**. I feel like Daryl will get equally annoyed with it, too.**

**There was a ten-minute deleted scene after they left the CDC and the went back to the Vatos to stay there but found the place completely deserted and the elderly people dead. Some walkers and the other shot.**

**Bae snapped on Andrea. Those are what I remember him saying. So if you like seeing Daryl Dixon smart and slick as hell, go watch the deleted scene.**

**And stop saying **_suck my ass_**, too. Yall must not know what you're asking.**


	10. 10' Remind him when Andrea shot him

Memories are a wonderful thing. Especially for our beloved Daryl Dixon.

But _some_ things are better left **forgotten**...

_Way number 10:_ Remind him of the time Andrea shot him

* * *

Daryl and Carol stood at the top of the prison-watch tower with goofy smiles plastered on their face. The older woman leaned her head on her good friend's shoulder, letting out a content sigh.

"Remember when you caught that deer for us that one time?"

Daryl's lips curved into a smile as he let out a hearty snicker. "Since when have I ever came back from a hunt without'a deer, Carol?"

"Hmm, you're right about that, _Pookie_." Carol noted, laughing herself when the redneck playfully nudged her with his elbow at the mention of the nickname.

"Remember when you and Rick had an arm-wrestling contest and Merle came and tickled Rick's chin so you'd lose?"

Daryl narrowed his eyes, but smiled nevertheless. "I woulda' won either way!"

"Oh, and what about that time when Judith puked on you when Beth had just finished feeding her?"

"Had my dang' poncho stinking for a little while..."

"And when Michonne teased you about that same poncho and sewed it into a blanket for Judith."

"I liked that poncho..." Daryl sighed, his small smile widening even further.

"What about that time Hershel and you switched outfits?" Rick came out of nowhere.

"And that time you stole my pudding." Carl frowned, too coming up to join the memories.

"What about that time when you remembered I was Korean?" Glenn smirked.

Everyone, including Daryl laughed, letting the good times roll.

"AND WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME ANDREA SHOT YOU?!" You came out of nowhere, shouting causing the redneck to stop laughing with everyone else and glare daggers.

If looks could kill... you'd be dead.

* * *

**Sue me, it's been some weeks before an update. But whatever, the new season is just days away and I cannot wait!**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Kumi-Chan/Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan **


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